The Journeyman (or Spontaneous Combustion) [aka My First Energy Healing Workshop Experience]
November 12, 2010
The following account is entirely true. And as you know, when someone tells you that something is entirely true, sometimes (and most of the time lately) what they are telling you is false. And worse yet, sometimes what they tell you is actually a lie. A lie is a falsehood that someone tells when they know the real truth.
The information that is contained in what is written below will not be received by most of the people who read these first few lines. What is written will seem like fiction. Or it will seem like a lie. What follows is a lengthy tale, and few who read anything through a web browser will have the necessary attention span to finish the first few paragraphs.
This is good, however, because I don't like to defend my home from hillbillies armed with double-barreled shotguns, or squads of covert-ops specialists dropped from choppers in the darkness and armed with night-vision goggles, sent by both the Democrat and Republican parties and the higher-ups in the medical and religious establishments. I don't like to defend my home in such a manner, but I certainly would. Nor do I like to be given endless invitations to dinners by Tea-Party members or New-Age hippy groups. And lastly, I don't care to be asked by random Al-Qaeda cells if I own an AK-47 and would I like a free, lifetime supply of 7.62x39mm rounds. An invitation to the Oprah show, a book deal, and movie rights to a Peter Jackson directed production filmed in Matamata, New Zealand would suffice. (What I'm saying is that I'm not looking for trouble, but I would welcome the good kind of trouble if it came my way.)
But if you make it to the end of what you are reading and you are moved by what you have read, then the purpose of the author's intention in writing it will have been fulfilled: to plant the seed in you that was planted in him. Perhaps not immediately, perhaps not within the next year, but as certain as the sun rises each day that seed will grow and you will be moved to some sort of action, an action that will take you in a slightly different direction than the one in which you think you have been heading all of your life. It is the author's wish that you have the courage and the curiosity to take that action.
In early November, in a peaceful, earthy place, a voice coming from Rosalyn Bruyere's lips said something like this:
The world is now very dark. People are suffering around the world. Catastrophe is running amok. People are afraid and they are very negative in their speech and actions. Though our technologies are advancing at a rapid pace, they are being used in a dark way. Our communication is disjoint, unconnected and cold. Though we require a face to see, and speech to hear, and a hand held or a slap on the shoulder or a hug or sexual touch with a willing and warm human being, what we are giving and getting are text messages and digital imagery with less and less information and darker and darker tones.
Everything is energy and energy is always in motion. Dark energy is organized and direct, and because of this it strikes swiftly. This dark energy is currently hidden. We do not see it for what it is. And because it is hidden it spreads across the world unchecked. Light energy is not organized, it is much more organic. Light or dark energy travels like a river and the direction of the river determines the lightness or darkness of the energy. The direction of energy can be changed. It is very difficult to change the direction of a river 180 degrees from its current course. But it takes much less power to change the direction of a river only a few degrees. But such a change in the direction of a river would change it's entire course. A slight change in the course of the Mississippi River near it's source would have it emptying in San Diego, California or Savannah, Georgia rather than New Orleans. And so it is with the direction of energy. With a small push in the right direction, dark energy can be transformed to light and all of the force of the dark will be turned into an equal amount of force for the light.
The forces of light will rise up from their random locations and will gather and trample the forces of darkness by pushing them into the light using the weapons and the powers and the technologies of darkness, ushering in a new age of light.
1. Lost on the Borderline
"Gandalf? Yes... That's what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name. I am Gandalf the White. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide." Gandalf the White, Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien.
I traveled a million miles over five days, back in time along the circle of my life, to a point just ahead of me, so many years ago. I am a journeyman.
I recently returned from a trip to California, Austria, and Poland. I had initially planned on visiting my father in California and then continuing on up the coast to visit my grandmother. However, I could not make any easy connections with my grandmother, so I decided to visit some friends in Poland.
In addition, I was in contact with a man from Austria for a GIS consulting project and on a lark I asked him if I could come and visit him (I had never met him before). He replied that if I didn't mind sharing a bathroom, I was welcome to stay at his 19th century chalet just 20 minutes outside of Vienna. Of course I accepted his generous offer.
I shared breakfast and evening meals with his family and toured Vienna during the day for a few days. During conversation on my first day there the man's wife said that she was an energy healer. She and her friend (who was also staying in their house for a few days) had just returned from an intensive energy healing workshop in Germany the week before.
Both my sister and my sister-in-law practice physical therapy. When I was deciding what I wanted to study in college I had considered exercise science or physical therapy, so I was always curious about what my sister and sister-in-law actually did. In recent years both had started incorporating some type of energy work into their practices. Exactly what, I did not know because I did not ask the right questions.
When I heard that these two women living under the same roof as me were energy healers I was immediately interested and asked them question after question. On the second to the last night of my stay in Vienna, the lady of the house asked me if I would like to experience what they did for a living. I leaped at the offer -- YES, I said!
Here is an excerpt from my account of what happened next as I described it on October 12, 2010:
"...they invited me to a special room in the house where my friend's wife treats clients. The room was set up with a massage table and ideal mood lighting and utter privacy.
I laid down on the table and they asked me if there was any part of my body that was causing me pain or discomfort. I told them that my feet hurt from all of my marching and trudging. They told me to relax and mind my breath. They said if I became uncomfortable that they could stop at any time. And so they began.
They both touched my feet and I immediately felt a strange sensation as if some slight electrical impulse or a tingling was moving up my legs. I asked them if I was supposed to feel it right away and they said yes.
They worked their way up my legs and the odd impulses increased.
The rest for me is kind of hazy.
I could have been on that table for 15 minutes or for an hour, I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is that the perceived electrical impulses increased throughout my body. My body began to shiver in places. Then my body shivered in most places. At the peak of the shivering I thought about asking them to stop, but I was curious and wanted to see it through. I remember turning my head to the side and curling my lip and then I started to cry. I wept uncontrollably like a child for what seemed to me to be a long time.
And then all of a sudden the tears stopped. The tremors of my body ceased. My hips relaxed and my legs rolled inwards. I was filled with a huge sense of relief and well being. A huge smile grew on my face and I laughed out loud and said "WHOA that was AWESOME!" The two women laughed as well.
The last sensation that I recall is that my hands were BUZZING. They weren't making any sound, but they were buzzing, almost like they were getting ready to shoot beams of light!"
After they finished and I recovered, I asked them if they knew of anyone in the Midwest US that could offer me the same treatment or where I could learn more about this practice. They gave me the name of their teacher, Rosalyn Bruyere.
When I returned home, I looked her up and found her website: http://www.rosalynlbruyere.org/. I emailed one of her workshop coordinators in Cincinnati (since that was closest to me) as well as someone in the main office in California and asked them if there was anyone who could offer me treatment. The workshop coordinator in Cincinnati replied that they were offering an intensive energy healing workshop near Cincinnati in three weeks time and that I would absolutely love it. Totally intrigued, I signed up and asked no questions.
The drive from where I am to where the energy healing workshop was located was supposed to take about seven or eight hours to drive. I drove most of the way without any difficulty, the day was sunny, clear, and pleasant. But when I was within 20 miles of the location I got lost at least four times. I drove up and down a road on the Indiana/Ohio border three times.
When I found my bearings, out of the Ohio grain fields appeared the many trees of a forest that seemed slightly out of place. That forest was my destination and I headed for it. I drove through the curving roads of the forest and the trees peeled away to reveal a huge A-frame structure connected to another A-frame structure with a lower layer of buildings -- this lodge in the woods would be my home for the next five days.
Atop the peaks of the A-frames were literally hundreds of turkey vultures. I live along the Mississippi River where turkey vultures, bald eagles, and hawks are a common site. But never have I seen such a roosting of large birds before, much less turkey vultures! I later learned that turkey vultures are able to process rotting flesh and the stool they produce can actually be used as an antibiotic. The turkey vulture is a symbol of renewal, like the phoenix!
I entered the lobby and peeked around the huge stone fireplace and looked out the window. On the backside of the lodge was a beautiful lake surrounded by the woods. The setting was picturesque and perfect.
I checked into my room and made my way to the dining room. The dining room was located just below the lobby and also overlooked the lake. I felt strangely disoriented, slightly queasy, and out of sorts. I thought that it must have been caused by all of the driving I did that day. After dinner we met for our first class in the conference room opposite the dining room. We went through some introductions and covered preliminary information that would set the tone for the rest of the workshop. After finishing class, I went back to my room and went to bed. I had signed up for a double room, but by chance I had the whole room to myself.
I did not sleep well that first night. That out of sorts feeling continued and I was having some doubts also. Was it a good decision to come here? How do I fit in with all of these people? Am I going to be able to feel what I need to feel? Am I going to be able to do what I need to do?
The next morning I returned to the dining room and had breakfast and watched the shadows of the vultures floating gently above, keeping watch on all below. Then I went for a walk down to the water and collected some rocks to take home as the sun peeked over the trees in the east.
During the first morning class the chelation procedure was described. The chelation procedure is exactly what was done to me in that lovely chalet in Vienna less than a month before, as I have previously described. We were then given a 'heads up' that our assignment would be to find a partner and perform a chelation on each other.
This was the prime source of my anxiety: (1) Would I be able to feel someone else giving me this treatment again, or was it a once in a lifetime experience? And (2) Would I be able to perform this procedure on someone? And SERIOUSLY, how could I do this, having no experience whatsoever (and perhaps being handicapped when compared to others in attendance in that I don't have any background in nursing or medicine or physical therapy)?
During the morning and noontime meals that day I discussed my queasy feeling with others in attendance and they said that what I was actually feeling was my body acclimating to the energy in our location. Others felt the exact same way. The queasiness began to dissipate and my perception of what I was feeling began to change to something else entirely.
2. My Apprenticeship with Sinsei
After lunch we settled in for our afternoon class. In the morning class and in the first class the evening before, I sat next to a man of 60 years who had the largest smile you have ever seen, placed nicely on his face. He was in excellent physical condition and looked like he worked out with weights. He said that he did karate and got into doing energy work through karate. He told me that he did not lift weights.
As soon as we sat down, Rosalyn said that our assignment for the afternoon was to give someone a chelation treatment before 8 pm that night. Gulp! How the hell was I going to do that and who would I ask to do this with me? I looked over at smiley, karate man (whom I shall henceforth refer to as Sinsei) and asked him if he would help me (before he could be snatched up by any other sheepish newcomer). He nicely agreed. He said that he wanted to go for a run and suggested that we meet back in the conference room in an hour or so. I was more than agreeable as I wanted to put this off for as long as possible.
I went back to my room to try to take a nap. I was very nervous about this. I laid down and before I drifted off to sleep I could feel similar sensations as I felt on the message table back in Austria, first in my legs, and then in the rest of my body. These sensation were amplified, however, and at the time I blamed it all on my nervousness. After what seemed a long while, I drifted off to sleep.
I was awakened by the alarm on my cell phone. I reluctantly made my way down to the conference room. Sinsei was there and fortunately most of the other participants had cleared out already, so there were very few people still in the room. Sinsei suggested that I receive a chelation first. He would talk me through what he was doing and I could ask him questions.
I laid on the table and he rubbed his hands together to sensitize them. He scanned my aura with his left hand and said he could sense there was something slightly wrong with my liver. After he finished his scan, he began the chelation procedure as described before, except that he started on one leg, worked his way to my navel, walked his hands down to my other foot, then worked back to my navel.
At first I thought that my nervous suspicions were correct -- when he began working on me, I couldn't really feel anything at all! But as he made his way past my knees to my thighs I could feel the energy coming up. (Later, I would intuit that I was pre-energized from being where we were as well as from the sensations I was feeling before I fell asleep during my nap just an hour before.)
I thought that this second chelation experience would feel just like it did the first time, but it didn't. I was anticipating that I would start sobbing again as soon as he got do the level of my heart, but I didn't. I thought that my hands would feel like they were buzzing again, but they didn't. He finished the chelation procedure and then scanned me again to see the results. When he was finished, I felt the same feeling of release and relief that I felt the previous time, and I smiled and laughed and told him that I might not be able to finish the assignment for some time.
I decided to push through the urge to lay on the table for a while and sat upright. I sat there for a while and then the table pulled me back down to my previous position. It was so nice laying there. Sinsei was mulling through the items on the raffle table and I gather that he was keeping an eye on me also. After a while he joked to someone that he thought he might have killed his partner. I laughed and said "Not quite!"
I felt a little more confidence due to the fact that I could actually feel the chelation this second time. However, I still wanted to stall the inevitable for as long as possible. I asked Sinsei if he minded if we had dinner before I returned the favor. He agreed.
I ate dinner with an unease, as if the vultures outside were merely waiting for me to die, rather than standing guard like stolid sentinels as they had previously appeared.
I felt a tight bond and a strong sense of trust in Sinsei. I marched back to the conference room. There was almost no one there at all. There would be no one to witness my failure.
Sinsei laid down on the table. I sensitized my hands like I learned before. I tried to scan his aura just as he had done to me. With all of the weird sensations that I was feeling I wasn't sure if I could feel anything. I thought I felt a tingle in my hand, but I certainly couldn't make out what might be an aura.
We were given a sheet of paper with a drawing of a body that had the seven chakras superimposed over it. We were supposed to make note of any depressions in the aura or colors (if one could see colors -- which I certainly could not!) and use this information as areas to focus upon directing energy after the chelation procedure. I was at a loss. I figured that I would just make note that I could feel something in the scan, but that I wasn't sure what. Sinsei felt my pain and suggested that I write down that I sensed that he had something wrong with an area along the edge of his rib cage. He said that he injured it when he was building the pyramids in Egypt in a previous life when someone dropped a block on him from above. I laughed and wrote it down, as I thought we would have to turn in our homework.
I started the chelation procedure. Sinsei said to try to feel the energy coming up my legs and to 'push' that energy with my right hand into the bottom of his foot. When I felt a similar sensation in my left hand (which was on his knee), it would mean that the energy has passed through the leg between the foot and the knee.
By this time I was kind of like 'whatever'! I could feel Sinsei's chelation and Sinsei made me laugh. And there was no one else there, so I felt no pressure to perform.
I felt a sensation in my right hand like a tingling on the surface of my hand (or just outside the surface of my hand). I hadn't felt this before, so I didn't trust it. Rosalyn had said to get a three minute hour glass and use it for each section of the body you were treating. This would be useful for beginners, until they trusted what they were feeling. And it would be useful for more experienced practitioners as well, as she said that over time you become so used to pushing energy that you might not notice the energy coming out the other side of the part of the body you are working on.
I decided to wait about three minutes until I moved on to the next body part in case I couldn't feel the energy being pushed through to my receiving hand. So I waited. I was getting no signals from Sinsei. I was not feeling anything in my left hand. But I still felt a slight tingle in my right hand. But wait! Was I feeling a similar sensation in my left hand? Was I? Or was my hand just going numb from nervously holding Sinsei's knee?
There was no doubting it -- I could feel a weaker, but similar sensation in my receiving hand! I left my hands in position as the tingling feeling in my left hand increased to match the feeling in my right hand. There was still no sign from Sinsei. I could have been imagining things.
I continued up the next portion of Sinsei's leg and tried to push the energy to my left hand until I felt that tingling sensation again. No sign from Sinsei. I pushed the energy to his second chakra with my left hand on his navel. No sign from Sinsei. But it was too much for me -- I just had to know!
I leaned over to that ever present smile on Sinsei's face and whispered "Can you feel anything?" He smiled and kind of smacked his lips/licked his chops like dogs do before they fall asleep and said something like "Oh yeah, I'm feeling it. You're doing a good job."
I was elated! Who cares if I can't scan an aura -- I can push energy! And I can feel it coming up my legs too!
I finished up the chelation treatment and then gave a little extra attention to Sinsei's pyramid injury. I asked Sinsei what I should do for his injury and he said to just do what feels natural. So I put a hand underneath and one on top of his injury and ran energy between my hands. It felt like the right thing to do.
I finished up and Sinsei sat upright after a while and seemed even more relaxed than before. The smile on his face was larger still. SUCCESS!
I felt wonderful! I felt like I belonged here! Even though I might not learn anything else here and even though it might take me another 30 years of study to actually be able to apply this in the real world, I felt that taking this first step had moved my life in the right direction and that my life would be the better for it. The future was wide open and I was wide open to whatever might lie ahead.
The next day, randomly, between classes, two other attendees asked me if I wanted to practice a chelation procedure with two people treating one patient. Since I was wide open, I agreed. However, I warned them that I wasn't very skilled and I couldn't even scan an aura. So I might not be very useful to them. (And where was Sinsei when I needed him?)
We decided that I should lay on the table at first. They started the procedure just as the women did back in Austria. When they finished, I was quite giddy (I assume after being topped off with energy the day before by Sinsei). I laughed and joked with them and told them that they might have to find someone else to practice with them now that I was in a blissed out state.
However, I sensed their earnestness and sat up much quicker than I had previously. I felt pretty good. So, someone else laid down, and we scanned his body. Hey, what was that? I could feel much more during the scan process and I learned a new scanning technique from one of these practitioners which I found to be much more effective. Then we chelated his body. I came to understand that when two people are running energy into a body, twice the amount of energy is put in. And each practitioner adds a little something special to the mix. (Just what my specialty was, I did not discover until a bit later, but we'll get to that.) Then the woman laid down and we performed the procedure on her. By the time she was finished we were all joking and laughing almost uncontrollably! Luckily there wasn't a fourth person or we probably would have started to get really rowdy!
The next day after lunch I was feeling pretty sassy and confident about what I had discovered in this wonderful place with all of these wonderful people. I walked back to my room for a quick nap before the afternoon session. I met Sinsei in the hallway and he asked me if I wanted to do a quick chelation. Sure, I thought, why not. I could use the practice, and who better to practice on than Sinsei.
We entered the conference room and there were a lot of people there. Why weren't these people taking rest time today? Sinsei hopped up on the table. I scanned him and was more comfortable still with my new aura-scanning technique that I had learned the day before. Then I ran energy through him as I had done previously. The only difference this time is that I had no doubts about what I was feeling. (I actually thought I was getting better at it!)
When we finished, I felt a bustle behind us and realized that class had started. Then I remembered that rest time was AFTER the afternoon class and not after lunch! Sinsei had saved me from missing a class! And, before I could lay down on the massage table, Sinsei was sitting in his chair listening to Rosalyn and Ken (Ken Weintrub is Rosalyn's mate and co-leader of the workshop). That stinker, he tricked me! No he didn't. Then I realized that Sinsei had given me a final test: to be able to treat someone with noise and confusion going on all around you AND in this case with the entire class and Rosalyn and Ken behind us, and perhaps even a few eyes had glanced back at us once or twice. I had passed the test and I didn't realize it until ten minutes after the test was over. I was and am very grateful to Sinsei.
I came to learn later that Sinsei works in a field of geography that is related to the work that I do with geography. Sinsei also worked in the forestry industry for a time, just as I work in the field of forestry now. In addition, Sinsei is built like a wirey monster and he tests his body all of the time, similar to the way I work with my body. Who better to teach me this than a man who could be an image of me in 23 years? Who better to teach me than myself?
3. Visitors in the Night
I learned and experienced many unfamiliar and wonderful things during the workshop. I have so many stories of connection with these faces that seemed new, but with souls that seemed like family, like past lovers, and like old friends. I have more stories still of strange coincidences and of magical moments, delicate and frozen in my memory. Many of these stories will never be told to anyone but those closest to me.
But the following final story I will share with you, dear reader, the reader who has dared to read on, the reader who has made it so far, the enchanted reader who I may now take wherever I wish -- BEWARE fair reader!, for what lies ahead will stir the marrow in your bones!
Rosalyn Bruyere is an amazing woman who can do many amazing things. She has lived a charmed life. She is the most intelligent and wise person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She is very funny and very charismatic. She is very open to new ideas and loves to learn and try new things. She has the most beautiful hair I have ever seen. And I thought several times over the week that I would love to just smell her hair. I know her hair must smell like summer flowers kissed by the morning sun, on a lazy day in late June, with nothing to do but watch the clouds. (Keep a careful eye on her, Ken, especially when we two meet again.)
It is known that Rosalyn Bruyere is able to channel the spirit of a Tibetan Bön monk who lived in 4000 B.C. (or thereabouts). Of all the things I experienced on my sojourn, this was the most fantastic!
I mentioned previously that my body had been acclimating to the energy of this special place filled with all of these people of a special purpose. If the energy I felt from the place was half an inch thick most of the time, the energy I felt before and while Rosalyn channeled the spirit of the Bön monk was at least 10 inches thick! The whole conference room was alive!
Typically the monk only visited each workshop once. But during my stay, the monk visited three nights in a row!
The last three nights of my stay, after each evening class, Rosalyn channeled the spirit of the Bön monk. The lights were turned down low, somehow the energy was jacked up, and we said a special prayer to bring the monk into Rosalyn's body. The monk appeared and spoke in a Chinese-like accent (I have never heard a Tibetan accent, so I can't say what that sounds like). Rosalyn even started to look Asian in the dim light. The monk spoke about a few of the topics we discussed during the day. Then he went on to describe how what we learned tied in to the greater picture of what was going on in the world and about how what was going on in the world was also our responsibility. We were responsible not just for ourselves and those close to us, but for the whole world. He was very wise and funny also. At the end of his time with us he allowed us to ask any silly question that might come out of our mouths.
On the first night the monk visited us, I went back to my room in a kind of sleepy haze and went to bed. Before I fell asleep I felt a puffing breeze to the right of me. It was air movement caused by the delicate beating of large wings. The angel of my mother visited me for the first time since she passed away from a short battle with colon cancer almost ten years ago. When I realized this, I wept like I had not wept in ten years. When my mother passed away, I was very stoic and matter of fact about her passing. Though my siblings, relatives, and close friends of hers often mentioned feeling her presence and discussed her often, I did not feel her presence. I think if the ashes of her body regenerated in front of my face I would not have felt her presence at that time! I was overwhelmed with joy to have her in my life again!
Immediately after I recovered from seeing my mother again, I saw a beautiful woman I know sitting across from me in a cafe. (Truth be told, I've had a crush on this woman for several years. She is strong and wise and most graceful. She has an immense quiet power and I have imagined her with her hair down, walking quietly barefoot on a path of pebbles with a white, flowing gown, in a Japanese garden with cherry blossoms falling all around her, her eyes closed and her arms at her side and palms facing gently forward, and the Buddha's smile upon her face.) She looked at me, and her gaze pierced my heart and touched my soul, and she said "I love you." As those words that I longed to hear came from her lips I wept again, uncontrollably. And I realized that I had wanted to hear those words from those perfect lips from a woman who wanted to be with me, from a woman who wanted to make love with me, from a woman who wanted to be my mate always and forever. But in fact the words that I heard from those still-perfect lips were from a woman who knew me well, from a woman that I could have fought battles along side with in ages past (back-to-back with blades whistling through the air and foreign heads and limbs lobbing slowly up and then falling faster to the ground and landing with a damp thud), from a woman who I respected above all, a woman who I aspired to be like and who would hold me to a higher standard, a woman who, like the earth herself, pulled me close and loved me for who I was and nothing more.
When the image of this angel passed, a hideous face of a goblin-like creature appeared in front of me. I swatted the image to the side and out of the way. It was immediately replaced by another image, more horrible and gruesome than the one before. I swept the image away. Then, from out of the shadow of the room I felt a large, black moving mass, like a puddle of tar floating above me and it slowly descended down to me. It inched ever closer and what was at first fear changed to awareness. I placed my awareness on the black mass and I felt it descend close to my face. The mass passed through the surface of my face, inches underneath my skin and I then knew what it was. And it was gone! I wept uncontrollably for a long time. I realized that this mass was the darkness that Rosalyn spoke of. It was the darkness of the world! It was the pain and suffering of my friends and family and of the world that I had turned my back on and ignored for so many years. I wept and fell asleep.
On the next night the monk visited I went back to my room as usual and wasn't expecting anything like the previous night. Sometime before I fell into slumber I had a vision of my ex-wife. We've been divorced for about five years and in that time I have paid her a merely civil respect. Things have gotten better between us over time, but truly I haven't tried that hard. Her mother is currently undergoing intensive treatment for cancer and I can tell that seeing her mother go through this has been very hard on her. I sobbed for a long time. Here was a person that was once so close to me, a person that I could have easily made the slightest effort to help in some way, yet I had turned my back on her for so many years. The vision of my ex-wife was then replaced by an image of my brother. I wept again uncontrollably. My brother has been a stay at home dad for the past few years and I know that the past year having two little monkeys running around all day can take a specific kind of toll on a man. I know he receives great joy from doing so, but it is a lifestyle quite removed from anything that most men know. It is a strange feeling of loneliness to be a stay at home dad. I knew this life for a time and honestly my marriage could not stand this test. There are few beings on this earth that I love more than my brother and when he needed me most I was not there for him. I cried some more. I then saw an image of my sister who is pregnant and due in two months. I have seen her once during her pregnancy and have only called her to talk on the phone but a few times. I cried some more.
(When I say that I cried or wept or sobbed, imagine if you will that your eyes are two large grapefruits which have been totally dried out, now imagine something so gut-wrenchingly sad that it strikes you deep in the stomach, and with all of the life force you have, you squeeze tears from the pit of your stomach up through the center of your body, out your neck, and finally the tears fill your mouth and fill up the large grapefruits, then you clench your jaw and your eyelids tightly, and the salty drops flow like collected rain from a metal roof -- add in some snot from your nose and you will have a sense of what I am talking about.)
Then I saw an image of a close friend who I also turned my back on. I wept some more. Then I saw another friend that I could have helped, but I didn't. More crying. I went on like this for some time and then stopped in full realization -- these were close family members and friends that I could have easily reached out to with a hug or a phone call or a visit. But rather than doing so, I avoided them or was short with them or I withheld myself from them. I cried some more and drifted off.
4. Spontaneous Combustion
It is said that the practices of the Tibetan Bön go back some 18,000 years ago (in fact, Tibetan Buddhists were the Protestants of their time, splitting off from the ways of the Bön). Many aspects of the Bön tradition are similar to those of the Native Americans whose practices can be traced back to 10,000 years ago. When I was driving to the lodge in the woods, it occurred to me that as I was passing through INDIANa and INDIANapolis that there must have been many native people in this area long ago. This feeling was further confirmed upon arrival at the lodge, which sits upon a hill that faces south and overlooks a beautiful lake all protected by forest and turkey vultures. If ever there was a place that native people must have dwelt long ago and for many years this place was it! Add to this the fact that I was born in nearby Cincinnati, Ohio, lived there until 12 months of age, moved away, and never traveled further east in the US since that time.
All of these spirits were conspiring against me and I was but a willing accomplice.
So it was that when the Tibetan Bön monk appeared through Rosalyn Bruyere on the last night of the workshop (and for the third night in a row) I suspected that something special would happen. I went to bed per usual, except that on this night I fell asleep immediately. Sometime not long before my alarm went off I had a dream. In the dream I was seated on a couch in what seemed to be like a cafe or the foyer of a theater. There was another couch across from me filled with people who were chatting amongst themselves. Seated next to me was this gorgeous woman who I was talking to. She was totally into me, just talking and laughing and her hands were on my shoulder and knee (it was wonderful!). Seated on the other side of me on the couch was a couple and their young naked son who was trying to crawl through my legs. A teacher of mine was running around in a huff preparing for something. On one side of the foyer there was an old radio. My teacher said in a barking tone "Someone that knows a little bit about technology please turn that radio on!" I thought to myself "Well I know I'm not turning that friggin' thing on!" Then all of a sudden I saw a vision of a man who is my age that I played football with in high school. He was well dressed and looked peaceful and happy. Back in high school this guy had a very quiet demeanor, but he could turn on the rage at will! He was as tall as me, but as skinny and wirey as a reed. His body looked like it belonged to Ichabod Crane or to a scarecrow. He ran like a gazelle and hit like a Mack truck and he never ever slowed down or quit. I was happy to see him as I haven't seen him in many, many years. Then I saw a vision of him and his face was full of lesions and cuts, his hair was long and greasy, there was mucous running down his nose and I could tell that he was addicted to some nasty drug and had AIDS.
I immediately awoke from my sleep and cried as I described above, but with all of the horrible anguish that I could squeeze from my gut. And in that moment what I knew as myself spontaneously combusted and what replaced it was similar but entirely different.
"Through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as the life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt light in me again! I've been sent back until my task is done." Gandalf the White, Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien.
Here was a man that had I seen him a few days ago I would have turned my back from him. I would have lacked the compassion, the courage, and the skill to help him. But now I had all of those things and I suddenly realized that I had always had those things. I realized that those qualities were strengths of mine, but that I had hidden them or turned my back on them long ago.
I was a quiet child. I am the product of what I surmise to be two fiery, passionate virgins. My father was a Catholic priest when he met my mother. Both of my father's brothers were priests as well. My mother's mother is of Spanish-Mexican decent. We know nothing of my mother's father and guess that he was in the navy and sailed away not long after falling in love with my grandmother. My mother's family were devout Catholics as well and I suspect that Toltec blood runs in my veins through them.
My father was a raging alcoholic as was his entire family. When I was young I both hated and loved my father. When I was in eighth grade at a Catholic school I came out of my shell. I could draw and write and make crazy voices and do wacky things to make anyone laugh. All of these things I could do better than anyone I knew. I loved to play football and I found that I could run faster and jump higher than all of the other kids.
My mother kicked my father out of the house one day because he threw me across the room because I didn't give him a kiss goodbye before I left for school. (I don't remember this, but as I see it written, tears stream down my face.) My father stayed in town for a few years and then moved to be closer with his family, far away. I put a plate of armor on my heart.
Physically I loved to play football and I thought I would be good enough to earn a college scholarship. But my body told me otherwise. During my sophomore year in high school I got so excited during our first game and my heart was beating so fast that I couldn't control my breathing and I spent the last half of the game in the hospital with an oxygen mask. I vowed to not get that excited again before a game. My shine faded. My junior year I broke my hand reaching in for a loose ball when the first team all-state fullback/linebacker from across town speared my hand with his helmet. I vowed not to stick my nose into any questionable pile again. My edge dulled. My senior year I sprained both of my ankles and probably should not have played in three or four games that year. My strongest asset -- my legs -- were hobbled. With my speed taken away, I was left with my strength. My strength was not enough and strength alone was not fulfilling to me. Though approached by some colleges to walk-on to their football teams, I decided that I was done with football.
Let's return to that massage table in Austria. The strong feeling of electric impulses coming up my legs and the subsequent leg spasms were the realization that my strongest asset, my legs had been renewed. They had been renewed and now I realized that they would be used to channel energy up from the earth and into my body. The sobbing that I experienced was my compassion flowing again. (If you know me or anyone in my family or my kids for that matter, we tear up at just about anything. We tear up when we yawn and when we lay down and we tear up during movies, especially if the lights are turned down.) The compassion that I had walled up when my father left, and fortified a little more when my mother died ten years ago, and stone-walled further still when I divorced my wife five years ago, was now flowing again. This compassion, instead of being misunderstood by me and rather embarrassing, would be used to connect to others and feel what they were feeling. And the BUZZING hands, which I at first thought everyone who went through the chelation therapy experienced, were in fact my unknown gift! I had longed to be able to help people, but I didn't know how, and eventually I ended up pushing people away. The buzzing hands were my special gift!
And I cried now more than before, but my tears turned from compassion for this old friend in need to a wave of gratitude, for I found myself on the right path all along. Initially a path to somewhere, I trudged along in a direction I could not see. And now I could see the way and I was (and am) ever thankful. Then my alarm on my cell phone went off!
It was the morning of my last day at the workshop and I was still weepy from my realization. I think I told every third person I saw my story and cried and cried some more. I had to leave at noon to make it home by the time my kiddies went to bed. I longed to tell Rosalyn about my journey and what I had discovered that morning and to thank her and Ken for this perfect setting of circumstances that led me to where I am. I longed to weep at the feet of the rose and be free! I longed to embrace her and finally smell that hair for as long as I liked (and to have Ken give me strange glances and ultimately mutter 'skadoosh' below his breath as he administered the wushi finger hold to me). But I needed the energy to return home. And I knew that it would take some energy for the rose to receive this as well. And I also supposed that she was aware of the journeys of all individuals in attendance that week through her monk friend. And honestly, I might not have written this had I shared it with her then.
5. Coming Home Full Circle
So I returned home, in what seemed like a heartbeat. And I met with my children and ex-wife that night and doled upon them many gifts which had magically landed on my lap. And I told my ex-wife this story and many others. And she shared her journey since our divorce with me. And I asked my ex-wife if she would do me the honor of allowing me to give her a chelation treatment so that I would not wake up the next day and think that it was all a dream. And each day since my return I have told this story to someone close to me and treated someone with these buzzing hands and cried and laughed and felt the weight of the knowing of who I am and what I need to do.
So when I finish healing myself by sharing this story with close family and friends and treating them if they please, I will be ready for any of you out there. All that is required of you is something to exchange, and some neutral or positive energy. Curiosity, humor, compassion, love, friendship, trust, acceptance, hope, love, or surrender will all suffice.
I have learned in the past five days that my specialty is running large quantities of positive earth energy through patients with compassion, humor, and sometimes tears, and with no judgement whatsoever. My energy healing practice is called Positive Earth Energy, or pee for short. So that you don't think I take myself or any of this too seriously, and so that you remember when you need some relief from what is bursting inside, you must take a pee (or some pee, in this case).
I spent five days at the lodge in the woods. I left the lodge five days ago. Within five days I will have told this story to the faces of my closest family members and friends. Five days after that is wide open as far as the eye can see and beyond to the limits of what can be imagined.
"The Grey Pilgrim. That is what they used to call me. Three hundred lives of men I've walked this earth and now, I have no time. Good luck. My search will not be in vain. Look to my coming, at first light, on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the East." Gandalf the White, Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien.
I am a journeyman energy healer.